What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 02:28

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He knew the spot.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My family never makes their pension either.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She found it foreign!.
So, i spoilt her more .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But, we were locked up after school.
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I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im still living with it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it wasn’t much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I waited trembling.
Who then, do I blame.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ive learnt so much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I have no regrets .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I will be 64.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I don,t even have a pension.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Put me off passion for life!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Comes on , in middle age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why did i forgive my father ?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot live in the past .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She wouldn,t have been !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i lived it daily.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!